A Fine Vocabulary

Once, way back, a woman called me on my use of the word "fine". She stated that I would say "I'm fine" when I really wasn't.  So this prompted me to take notice and to become more accurate --when it was warranted-- whenever I answered the question 'how are you?'

Today I was thinking about being "fine" and I want to present the case that there are degrees--or at least kinds of "fine". 

   There is the "fine" that is connected with the word then, as in "fine, then". Usually stated emphatically, as a retort , generally when one person is attempting to convince another and that other won't budge ... you know, I don't have to say but so much here.

   Then there is the "fine" that comes out so quick that the already short word is bitten back into a yelp. The "fine" that stands very close to the tears that are welling up; the "fine" that indicates a losing battle in an attempt to control a rush of  emotion.

   There is the I'm not telling you anything "fine" and the I want to tell you everything "fine".   The way I see it, there is a whole "fine" vocabulary, if one just pays attention. 

Now I'm sure this is not what the woman meant, but it is what I observed, while I took notice of my own use of the word. And there is what is mostly meant, when I say, "I'm fine"...that when all is said and done for the day...I am alive...I am healthy...there are people who love and support me

           ...I am therefore... fine...just...fine.

Cute in the Cold

     First let me say, " I know better". But the weather was so nice, and my outfit well...it was nice too. I really like suit jackets and jeans; a scarf... maybe a necklace, shades. So grown, so pulled together. and yes I can make it from the car right into the store without putting on that coat...this time...the next time and the next. And that time after I promised my friend that it was indeed time to wear coats consistently. Well, as they say ...I had to pay the piper... and pay I did.

     Last week, let's just say I felt it coming and still had no idea how bad it'd be. I was cold and hot. I ached everywhere. My blood hurt. 

     Today ...five days later... is the first day I've felt anywhere close to my normal human self. And yes, I did too much. But in my defense, I believe getting dressed was probably too much! 'cause by mid day I was ready to crawl back in the bed and try again tomorrow! 

     and yes, I'm wearing my coat, scarf and a hat...even if just going from the car right into the store!

Hope

Live...

Too, Too...

Too old

Too short

Too black

Too loc-ed

Too female

Too knowledgeable

Too late

Too soon

Too liberated

Too strong

Too smart

Too educated

Too emotional

Too sensitive

Too opinionated

Too excited

Too demonstrative

Too intense

Too clear

Too straightforward

Too tired

Too lonely

Too fearful

Too fat

Too sick

Too achy

Too much

Too annoyed

Too afraid 

Too worried

Too overbearing

Too overwhelmed

Too underwhelmed

Too involved

Too caring

Too, too, too

Too weak

Too careful

Too careless

Too will full

Too unwilling

Too proud

Too shamed

Too experienced

Too inexperienced

Too available

Too unavailable

Too talkative

Too crazy

Too independent

Too fast

Too creative

Too quiet

Too skillful

Too amazing

Too funny

Too unbelievable

Too directed

The way I see it,  I'm just Too, Too...me

Forgiveness - 4 - Toby D. Sanders

"Forgiveness and Truth The fourth aspect or challenge of forgiveness is its relationship with the truth, with which it shares a complex and terrifying essence. In order to forgive and be forgiven we must have the courage to face the truth, to tell the truth to ourselves and eventually to others. But a part of the reason that we are hurt in the first place or have hurt someone from whom we need forgiveness is because “we cannot handle the truth.” We cannot easily face the truth about ourselves, about others about almost anything. As beautiful as the truth might be conceptually, it is deeply terrifying in reality. When we see the truth or understand it or are in its presence we feel mostly judged and guilty, convicted. When the “truth” of the most painful and wicked offenses against us threatens to rip our very souls from our bodies we are so angry and devastated by God’s own “permissive will” that we flee from it to survive it. The brutality of truth is not our friend. And the ingenuity of our anxieties, the genius of our fantasies and games, the whiteness of the lies we depend on to survive psychic assaults, is to be here commended as a minor grace for those who suffer creatively, internalizing, re-imagining and playing to survive the horrorism of the truth. The truth of the truth, the core of the matter is that we need insulation from its light and fire often. The truth of the truth and forgiveness is that we lie to ourselves and others for good reasons sometimes. That there is an utter and shameful arrogance in those who unchastenedly celebrate the truth as a cure-all. The truth of the truth is that it is not always best literally understood, which is to say, that there is often more truth in the fictions we tell ourselves and others because these things express our desires more accurately than they express our sins. The truth is that sometimes a lie reveals more about us than a shallow and comfortable, palatable truth. The truth is that there are things about us so fragile, so private that they cannot bear the light of the brutal judgements of others, even those we love, as a second offense, a second brutality. We should not be sentenced to shame for our trust and sometimes ellipsis is best for a season. Time is again a pivotal factor and grace here. Those who love us and those that we love should be able to patiently bear the truth as it emerges in its season. A real key to forgiveness is this reality. Often we are not ready or mature enough to face the truth about ourselves “graciously.” We oft too harshly compare and judge even ourselves. Our souls know when we can bear the light of God’s love maturely. The truth, like forgiveness, emerges and grows. It is dynamic. It is life-affirming. it is spiritual. It is not relative in a shallow dishonest and cowardly sense. But it relates to the perspective of our understanding at particular times, seasons, points of maturity. The truth is of infinite value and it is both a means and an end to a better life. The irony is that many of our fictions and lies and evasions tell a truth about us. Forgiveness requires that we seek this light. It requires that we strive to be honest with ourselves first and foremost, to forgive and be forgiven we must in due season stand and sing in the sun of this grace. This requires discernment and trust as a reasonable currency of love. We should not be bound by the demands of the purist, especially one who has not faced his own lies and self-deception and seeks only the power of your contrition or the delicious spectacle of your re-lived misery as catharsis for his own sins. There is an absolutely “pornographic and vicarious” property to much truth-mongering judgmentalism. The truth is that we can only truly forgive the truth. The truth is that to be forgiven a lie or a half-truth is of limited value. The truth is that what we have done that is wrong or what we have suffered at the hands of broken others is just part of the story. The truth is that there may be in this life no full answers sometimes; but, forgiveness need not be partial. The truth, like love, faith and forgiveness is a disposition, an attitude toward reality. There is logic in the truth, but more art in loving and forgiving it. One of the hardest things about forgiving is that the truth of it often shatters fantasies and stories and fictions we have about ourselves and those we love and who love us. We must not insist on it unless we are willing and truly ready to sacrifice the comforts of our fictions which are considerable. Indeed we must be grown-grown to handle the relationship between forgiveness and truth. Life is often far easier as a fiction, full of romances and order, promises and wish fulfillment. It is easier to forget, deny, creatively sublimate than to remember and forgive. It is easier to project our brokenness onto others, especially strangers or disposable people than forgive ourselves and do the hard work of rebuilding a life so shattered by the courage of forgiveness. It is easier to rush into an evasion and new forms of busyness that are narcotic and complex but require little thought. These evasions fill time with the lightness of efficiencies and effectiveness, the illusions of progress and the shallow praise that goes with them. Easier this than to take the time to deal with the grief of failure and loss maturely. And it is easier, far easier to accept a shallow and immediate apology based on a half-truth and a desperate desire to maintain a fictive status quo than to wait and cultivate deep forgiveness and the shattering truths that attends its wake. Forgiveness like love and faith and truth is a choice, a courage to see and be transformed by the holy. To forgive we must be mature enough to handle the truth."

October 15, 2012

Forgivenes -3 - Toby D. Sanders

"Forgiveness and Time. The third key element or aspect of forgiveness is time. If remembering is the hardest and forgiving one's self is the first order of forgiveness and its graces, then time is the very substance of forgiveness. In a real sense time, is what forgiveness is made of, how it is measured, how it grows, how it is felt and experienced in our minds and souls. When we are brokenhearted, guilty, ashamed, angry and broken in spirit every moment is heavy, almost unbearable. Every breath weighs on us. We lose time. We waste time. We can barely bear time. Life is a sentence. My own brokenness makes this the worst part of forgiveness for me. I am too impatience with myself and everyone. Forgiveness is a quality time takes on. Forgiveness, because it is a grace, a spiritual reality participates in what some people call eternity. Eternity is the mysterious quality given time by God. It is not clock time or historical time that moves in one direction. Eternity is an experiencing of time all at once in its fulness. It is an overflowing. When we forgive time itself becomes a gift. In time, what was once painful, even unbearable becomes not just bearable but an important and empowering part of who we are. Not only do we remember, not only do we forgive ourselves but time helps us become enlarged in the same way our heartbroken-ness made us feel small. Forgiveness changes the meaning of time. Forgiveness changes the meaning of time. Forgiveness is a path, a journey, a way to wholeness. It is a grace. Time is a spiritual gift that actually carries us. Forgiveness in time is like a stream, a river. We think we are walking or climbing but in reality time is carrying us along. Now our paddling matters. We have to try to move in the right direction. We can fall out of our vessel. But, as we strive to move in the right direction, as we give ourselves over to time, She will carry us. If we imagine time as a stream, a river moving toward an ocean, Forgiveness is the water itself, when we are in it we feel it but we are not really aware what is moving it. Staying afloat is nervous work sometimes. But time will take us to the right place, because time itself IS forgiveness. God has already forgiven us and time can help us get to an awareness of that forgiveness. It is not automatic. It requires some work to balance ourselves, some guiding work around obstacles in the stream. It requires forms of trust that are skills. Sometimes it requires just resting on the shore and not doing anything...sabbath rest. Time is the most mysterious aspect of forgiveness and it is different for everyone. But we cannot forgive or be forgiven without it. TIme is the heart of the matter. Because the ultimate purpose of forgiveness is wholeness that will prepare us to use the measure of our talents and gifts inspite of the injuries and brokenness of so much around us. Forgiveness is preparation. Before we can give ourselves fully in our lives we must forgive ourselves and others the injury and pain inherent in our lives. TIme then, is the heart of the matter. In time, You will remember and be whole. You will forgive yourself. You will experience the power of forgiveness to change the meaning of your pain and fulfill your purpose and power. None of this is easy at all. I ask your prayers. I pray for you. I pray with you."

October 13, 2012

Forgiveness - 2 - Toby D. Sanders

"The second hardest thing about forgiveness (and this is no little thing at all) is forgiving yourself for being hurt or vulnerable in the first place. With the things that hurt us most deeply there is this torturous regret that assaults our choice to love and trust in the first place. Of course, this shame-based anguish greatly undermines any hope of whole-ness (Now isn't that what the sincere and desperate desire to forgive and be forgiven is: a hope for whole-ness?) When we find forgiveness most elusive it is often this inability to forgive ourselves that is the primary stumbling block. Ironically we blame ourselves for being hurt and resolve angrily to never be so vulnerable, so ashamed, so alone again. Exacerbating this anguish is the fact that the people who hurt us most deeply are almost always people we love and trust the most, people we are closest to and therefore are not acceptable objects of our legitimate anger and outrage. We are double bound by our broken-heartedness. We must forgive ourselves first. We must properly register responsibility for our pain. If we have hurt ourselves, so be it. We make mistakes but our mistakes are not our identity (this is the lie of shame). If we have been hurt by another, the offense is theirs (And often rooted in their own unresolved unspoken issues). We must forgive ourselves. Every virtue, every good thing requires courage. To be human is to be vulnerable. Forgiveness as an act of grace requires vulnerability. When we are whole we can be vulnerable but not foolish. We can be strong and insistent on the respect and love we deserve. When we forgive we can bear and risk loss in service of whole-ness, love. Forgiveness requires the courage to remember. Forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves. The pain you feel is NOT your fault. You are forgiven. Take up your mat. Arise. Walk. Love." -

October 12, 2012

Forgiveness - Toby D. Sanders

The hardest part of forgiveness is not forgetting: it is remembering.

This type of memory requires courage and is a grace, that is, a gift of time, a gift of God. Forgiveness is a spiritual virtue which we cannot have or attain unless we are willing, even desperate, to share it. We cannot forgive on demand. Forgiveness is not an act of will. It is an act of grace. It is a healing. It is driven by processes and endowments we did not create but from which we benefit, if we make healthy choices in our most difficult moments. In this way, like love, forgiveness is a choice.

Forgiveness comes at great cost. To forgive we must endure great pain. We must face honestly our hurt and the pain we have caused others. Forgiving is excruciating. Fairness is most often uninvolved. There is nothing fair about grace.

I have a dear friend that is going through various stages of rehabilitation after a severe shoulder injury and operation. She talks to me about pain so honestly, about her...progress that does not seem at all like progress to her. We talk about her fear(s). She helps me see that to heal she must strategically stretch the capacity of her injury to restore the functionality of her vital limb...

Forgiveness comes at great cost.

Our hearts are a most vital limb...

Forgiveness is rehab for our hearts...

And, in time, we may be able to love as much and even more...

In time...

Thoughts and Musings - Anger

Anger is a kaleidoscopic darkness. It is a response to fear both perceived and real: fear of death and the things that lead to it,that feel like it. Hunger, failure, isolation and injury are root fears shaped by our experience of life, in an evolutionary, historical and psychological sense our humanity has been shaped by the darkness of fear.

Anger is not just one emotion but a system of interlocking feelings, emotions and thoughts that constitute one very basic system of our response to anxieties, threats, injuries and losses. These responses form a spectrum of anger from annoyance to rage.

The problem with anger is not that it is inherently bad. Anger is a part of the natural order of life. It is an aspect of the design of life and whether you believe that design to be a wondrous accident of organic and iinorganic elements or imagined and inaugurated by a benevolent creator, the design itself affirms life.

The problem is with how we allow anger to use us. The challenge is In how we achieve the proper balance in our responses to what life brings us, how we deal with the great and powerful gifts of our nature, in other words, it is a spiritual problem.

I am struggling this morning so profoundly troubled, but I know God is with me because there is truth power and beauty in my thoughts. I prayed and this note is god"s gift to us. - Toby D. Sanders

 

facebook October 6, 2012

Thoughts and Musings - Soul Music

I realized something a few days ago that made me smile so hard and warmly, I think think I laughed out loud alone...I was listening to Aretha Franklin and I realized that "soul music" the music of my life, is completely about a kind of courage to love without regret! To say it, to sing it, to moan it. In the way we have sex sometimes when our heartaches, or pray when we are angry with God, get up and do what we must, when we are bone-weary; when we are numb with grief and sadness we tell a joke to ease the despair of a friend because we recognize the difference between being sad and being dead. Soul music is an expression of love without regret: a truth telling. "The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup..."  Toby D. Sanders

facebook - September 28, 2012

Thoughts and Musings - Wisdom of Death

Wisdom of death - Toby D. Sanders     

There is a fate worse than death: We call it regret.

Regret fuels grief's hellish fire.
It corrupts the power and righteousness of mourning.
It steals the relief of true joy.

So...

Live now. Love now.
Forgive now. Speak it, now.
Know and be known.

Tell and live the truth

Sincerely, passionately, courageously.

Dance, right now. Leap to do it.

Do it. Sweetly, funkily-even if you make a mess-

Start it today for Joy's sake...

For, memory is a reservoir
That steels the soul against the great lies
the fears, the spirits of despair:

"I will not have enough."
"I am not good enough."
"I am not loved enough."

No.

We only truly regret that which we do not do or try.
When we attempt something or offend, or sin
In service of poor judgement. We do not regret.

The sorrow we feel from active mistakes is not this death...
Not that anguish of loss and wasted life.

So...

Live now. Love now.
Forgive now. Speak it now.
Risk it now.
Know and be known.

And then there will be a peace for you,
A rest that exceeds the understanding,
A joy, a comfort even in weeping, a laughter...

a harvest

Because you lived.
Because of what you do,

now.
facebook page - September 28, 2012

Wiser on Wednesday - Onyx and Ebony

by Toby D. Sanders

This morning I am a beautiful black block of wood or stone "under the care" of an "artist" reshaping me into the image, the likeness within the "Artist's" mind and inside me, this is to say, I am in severe pain.

The pain of becoming...what is intended...this IS what is really meant by the words, "living sacrifice." I am both numb and in excruciating awareness of every cut, stroke, brush burn, pull, scrape. The cuts of becoming: the serrated force of seeing, facing what is to come, the trauma of deciding is mine.

For I bear the consequences of my choices (and the choices of others) I am shaped, cut, chiseled, refined, changed. I am no accident of fate, no mere animal or inanimate thing, not a cloud shaped by a wind. I am an intention with the gift/curse of intentions, an artist myself, a maker of worlds, a destroyer, a villain, a betrayer, a hero-saint: a soul. This is my witness.

This is what it is to be a soul. Shaped both by pressures from without, without remorse or intention, and designed from within, endowed with dusty life. September 15, 2012

A Note:

This is a prayer, I guess an affirmation from beneath juniper. It is the raw stuff as prayers often are of a poem.

My love is real therefore my pain is real therefore my life is real and the truth is the only tool I will allow to shape me. I am a living sacrifice and will remove myself from any altar of lies.

My witness, my pain, honestly shared, that is, double-edged with serrated-irony is my prophesy and my counsel. We become what we hurt. We become what we love. We become what we too violently despise. We fail to become that which we desire, even passionately, but reject the pain of creation.

facebook - September 26, 2012

Thoughts and Musings - On Trouble

No Trouble don't last always...But Trouble doesn't wait for us to feel better either. Not quite as pithy but just as true. We often must do our best when we don't feel our best. This is surest way to break the momentum of evil, disorder and the spirit of fear: Striving when we should falter; speaking when grief and weariness would silence us; and loving when we should hate; forgiving when rage is justified; singing when we could be crying; and laughing in the face of utter despair.

 
Trouble don't last always because love is the only indomitable force in the universe. - Toby D. Sanders

Facebook - September 25, 2012

Just As I Am - September 2, 2012

"So here's the deal. We needed a piece of music for a jazz communion service. The bread and cup would be served continuously. It needed to be an inviting tune, perhaps something familiar, yet reflective and soulful. Aisha suggeste d this old hymn, recommended the key, and Bill Carter wrote a new arrangement the day before the service. Simple."

Simple? ...For some…maybe…but for many of us, not so much. I am not writing to suggest that we get stuck in our old and comfortable ways—we do—but that is not this post. I am writing to marvel and wonder at how well God uses us with the gifts and abilities that we have. No need to get more; just use what we have. I’m just saying.

I see the skills, knowledge and abilities of many of my pastor friends and colleagues. They are/were lawyers, CPAs (Certified Public Accountants), musicians, parents—then and now—journalists, teachers, social workers…the list is endless! And yet, I can see in the midst of their ministries, how these not-so-former skills are being used for the glory of God. Just as I am, indeed! To the glory of God ...just as I am!

For since I can remember...

For since I can remember, I've wanted another name. Something different. 

For since I can remember, I've wanted another name. Something memorable.

For since I can remember, I've wanted another name. Something with meaning...pride...history.

For since I can remember, I've
                                                wanted...
                                                               another...
                                                                                name.

Today I remembered I have that name...had that name... always had that name.
           The name where the first and the last have the same first four letters - different.

Today I remembered, I have that name...had that name...always...had that name.
           People who knew me then call out to me by both --first and last --now - memorable.

Today I remembered, I have that name...had that name...always...had that name.
           The one my parents decided to give me; decided would honor their union and my dad. The one they gave me at birth -meaning ...pride ...history.

Today I remembered, I have that name...had that name...
                                                             always...
                                                                          had...
                                                                                   that...
                                                                                           name.  
                                

Substitutes

Substitute - instead of ... in the place of...an alternative

Splenda...sugar;

Margarine...Butter;

Coke...Pepsi...Dr. Pepper?

Silk...Milk

Instead of sugar - Splenda; 

Instead of Butter - margarine; 

Instead of milk - Silk;

Instead of being there - skype.

This is not a mark against substitutes - some of my more memorable teachers were substitutes.

Substitutes, instead of, alternatives have their place

drawing instead of a photo

A beach sunrise

Psalm 100


1- Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth.

2- Worship the Lord with gladness; come into his presence with singing.

3- Know that the Lord is God. It is he that made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

4- Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise. Give thanks to him, bless his name.

5- For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.

The Way I See It...

1. Action is one of the best remedies for fear
2. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help the next generation.
3. Worth asking: Where in my work is the opportunity to improve the world, even in the smallest way?
4. Making waves may be riskier than treading water--but it's also more productive.
5. Going green is like protecting your health; it comes down to respecting the place you inhabit.
6. Often it's not our values that are faulty, but our priorities.
7. It's impossible to learn to swim, without jumping in the water.
8. Follow what makes you naturally curious, it will lead you to your passions and purpose.
9. Try not to confuse one defeat with total defeat
10. Each time you turn on the faucet, let it be a reminder to go with the flow.*

*Whole Living magazine - April 2012 - pg. 93

Perspective...the worst traffic ever

Outer loop... Inner loop... The Beltway... 495...no matter the name it equals the worst traffic ever* unless... you live in Nigeria .

 
 *Apapa-Oshodi Expressway, Nigeria  "World's Worst Traffic Jam - How a 40-mile Trip to Lagos took 12 Hours" -Joshua Hammer July/August 2012 The Atlantic